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How Not To Overshare

How not to overshare? Write it all down and don’t send it. Part 1 of 3:

The dog ate my homework. Actually he ruined 4th of July. Actually he’s not a dog. I’m astounded with him sometimes. I had a big blowout with him tonight (July 1st) where I just pointed psychic Zoe at him a little too much but…

We decided to have people over for 4th of July. Well 2nd of July. And so we sat in front of the list for a while and for each person I asked him “yay or nay” and we discussed it and then invited them. About 13 people. Just a chill hangout. With the address on the invite.

He keeps looking over it a bit and asks me about two extra people, who I veto. Mind you he vetoed 3 people too, no big reasons, just not into it.

I come back to the invite about 20 mins later and find he’s since invited 14 additional people behind my back. No communication. No mention. He just did it. 2 of them are the ones he asked about but we didn’t agree to. Many are people that live far away and would never come. Some are women he has crushes on, but he neglected to invite their monogamous partners. Some are people he met once, that he’s just given out our address to.

I had to cancel the event and uninvite everyone. I ran him through the wringer: WHY???? WHY THE FUCK??

I’m feeling like my trust is yet again blown out in that classic way that he does. How not to overshare? Don’t share anything with him!

It’s maddening. It’s like a form of OCD. He had some psychotic (you call it fantastical, I call it psychotic) thinking wherein he had some perfect list of people he thought he wanted to invite – despite that none of these people would realistically make it – but then lost the list somehow, so then panicked and compulsively tried to recreate it by just inviting the people. That’s why. That’s the logic behind this, mind you, teased out painfully over an hour of patient questioning. It’s absolute psychosis. Trusting it has gotten me evicted from my place in Topanga, the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived…and destroyed my credit not to mention exposed me to countless other risks both tangible and emotional. 

And yet I do forgive him and love him, of course I do, he’s just a fucking puppy dog, he really honestly doesn’t know and can’t do anything else/better/different. And this is just about a social faux pas that seems slightly dangerous but mostly annoying and embarrassing.

Not anything major like getting evicted or destroying credit.

I just don’t trust him. I’m so fucking frustrated right now. It’s not his place. He has no signed contract. I pay him three times the market rate to clean the place and do some laundry. His money goes to paying me back, not to rent, because of the work that *I* do for Airbnb. I earned this place, not him, and he’s trying to pimp it out to make a point to his imaginary friends.

Which is NOT the issue, that’s my petty ego issue. The issue is that HE DIDN’T EVEN ASK, NO CONSENT, NO COMMUNICATION, NO DISCUSSION.

“What did you think would happen when I found out about this?”  “Well, I invite so and so because x, and so and so because y”  “No, sweetie, I get your reasoning behind the specific invitations – WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN WHEN I SAW THE INVITE LIST?” “I didn’t think” (or “I forget”) “And when we agreed not to invite Alex and Claire, and then you put Alex and Claire on the list, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU PRESSED THE INVITE BUTTON?”

“I was thinking of whether or not they were on the list in my head.”

Can you imagine, day in, day out, having communications with someone that just go fucking nowhere? Pouring all that energy into it over and over and over again just to see infinitesimal movement on a geological scale? Welcome to my reality. Apparently I love being patient with slow-as-molasses men. 😉

But it is an issue that he thinks he can just press a button and will these people into existence. Not put in the work of friendship, just look over at what I have done in throwing a party recently and try to copy the external appearance. It’s so dysfunctional.

Just in case, you know, you thought I was over here all sex and roses while you work your shit out.

How not to overshare? Don’t share at all…

I miss you, I miss your smell, the feel of your skin, the rhythms of your body, and the enchantment of your open heart… but I miss you as a fucking friend most of all. Good gracious I wouldn’t put up with the heartwrenching barriers I have if that wasn’t worth it to me. Even if I could never touch you again I’d still want to be your friend. I dunno if I’ll ever show this to you… it’d be a shame for you to hear it all here. I don’t take a minute of the time we’ve spent together and the love you’ve shown me for granted. 

And to his seemingly endless credit – he doesn’t feel jealousy around you. He’s felt compersion for both of us. He said, tonight, when I challenged him on whether this blowout happened due to jealousy  “It’s really not about Mirror. I think what you have with him is beautiful and unique and to see it finally start to blossom makes me deeply happy for you both”. 

That’s the worst is that he just can do that shit for no freaking reason at all. And he does. Not when he’s the most or least stressed, not when I expect it. Just randomly. 

Ok, I’ll drop it. How not to overshare.

I’m trying to take the best care of myself possible. To eat right (and enough – in spite of and giving no power to the voices in my head that are screaming “IT’S JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT IF YOU STARVE YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE *THEN* HE’LL LOVE YOU!” incessantly, all day, every day, every fucking waking moment of my life), breathe, do yoga, work out, express myself, spend time with friends. I’m 9 of 61 pages into editing my friend’s chapter. 

I worry that my friend will hate me.

I’m making big changes and I am afraid that if he does take them – I will have to fight with him to edit the whole book, because it will then be infused with my style. I also think that’s appropriate, but that I shouldn’t do it for free. I dunno. 

I’ve listened to a lot of others’ issues around working with him so I have presuppositions I guess. I have a weird relationship with him as it is, I am worried this will make it harder. Still – the book is amazing. And it’s a clear job, for me, I know what it needs to be better. So, I am enjoying the process. He says so far it’s good, too, that it makes sense. 

I guess a lot of it is he has intimacy issues and I am scared to get too close to him, and this job is a shift in our relationship.

It already feels hurtful and frustrating being his acquaintance sometimes. I do see that we are moving towards true friendship and, well, he’s a peer – it’s scary. I think you know how that feels. 🙂  I guess I am just not quite intimate enough to share these feelings with him yet, and I know that’s coming, too. We’ve kept it so professional until now… yet oddly intimate considering. It feels very raw having him know me or look at me, like he can see right to my core. I feel the same about my sight for him, but I think he’s better at being seen.

It’s hard though, not to think of you. Now it’s the next day and it’s easier, and I know it will get easier still as the days pass. Yet still I wonder if it’ll be tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year when you are ready to have me in your life again. I feel shut out and I know that it’s not right, but I also have to honor your requests. I’m unwilling to have this shit go down the way it did in the past. I’ll do whatever it takes to break the cycle.

I know I will see the fireworks for the 4th and I will think of you in that explosive patterning.

I will imagine your embrace, your beard tickling my face… Will think of the psychic romance and the dance between our bodies. Keep calling back the feelings of spending days in your arms again, but my mind edits it sometimes. Sometimes we are naked. Sometimes you slide into me. Or I am sitting on you tantric style for hours. Sometimes you are behind me and it’s desperate and you’re grabbing at my flesh. Sometimes we are face to face. Just breathing.

It’s not always sexual though. Right now I’d just like to sit somewhere nice outside and talk about life. Or take a walk… I miss our walks.

I play back all the things you have said and I pray for you. Pray hard for you to see the balance and strength in yourself. I wish for you to exercise all your immense power in swiftly dealing with the shit you’ve put off and in casting off self-imprisonment that procrastination has caused. Wish you will listen to your voice of intuition instead of your voice of fear/trauma. I pray you believe in your own capacity for love. It feels so much greater than you give yourself courage for.

If it’s not me, who will it be? Who’ll wait for you? I will. I’ll wait. I’ll keep waiting. If it’s not me, find out. Take it all the way and if we lose I’ll still be here. I’ll always be here. You don’t have to know. You’re not supposed to know. We’re supposed to find out together. That is love, that is life. I’m here for you. Please trust me. I’ve always been here, and I will always be here. You can fail. You can succeed. We’ll work it out.

How not to overshare? Never air any of this insecure noise. Ever.

This is us working it out. Thank you for asking for what you need. Thank you for trusting me as much as you have, through so much fear. I remind myself over and over that no matter how hard it is for me – it’s harder for you. I’m ok. My heart beats. My breath moves. I am loved.

Everything is going to be fine.

To Be Continued…


Mirror:

Just Sex

The Plant Whisperer:

Garden Sex

Mile High Club


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