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Revenge Porn

Drunk and plotting revenge porn. As one does. 

Rejected by Mirror. Not only rejected, avoided. Doesn’t even want to be my friend.

Fine then. 

Not sure why damaging myself is the solution to getting rejected, but it does seem that getting piss drunk is often my recourse when someone says no. Good thing almost no one has said no to me.

So not only am I drunk, I’m in a college bar in my hometown. I’m in my late 30’s and in a college bar and that’s not the part that is revenge porn.

Dancing on a sticky floor to top 40 hits played so loud they distort. Dancing with frat boys. Making out with them on the floor. Pissing off all the sorority girls who stand at the edges of the floor. Overly made up in white crop tops, arms folded across their bellies in physical displays of their perceived inferiority. 

And me, the center of attention. Thinking of him. A drop of revenge porn. Young men on all sides. Grinding in. The girls seem worried but I know these kids are no threat to me.

Just enjoying all them young boners and clawing, drunk greed. 

Until I don’t. It gets old and I value my hearing. To the dismay of a dozen boys I step off the floor. Stop cockteasing them and leave the bar after a few too many shots of Patron.

Outside is a clutch of black townies. They eye me leaving. I see them see me.

This is the State of New York, and marijuana is not yet legal here. I pull out a cigarette case and walk up to them. Slowly and sexily dangle a thinly rolled joint from my lips. 

“Anyone have a light?” I ask. 

Two young black men simultaneously offer me one. I suck hard and deep on that joint, here, under the streetlights, in public. Then I slide another one out and close my case, placing it in my pocket with one hand and the joint between my lips with the other. I light the joint in my mouth using the cherry of the other joint. Then pass the other joint around the circle while smoking the second one myself.

“Okay then” “Damn” “Fuck yeah” comes the chorus from the group. 

The man that I pass the joint to is young and gorgeous. Lightskinned, with giant, upswept eyes and rounded cheeks. I see Yoruba features in his face and stance. I see him see me seeing him.

We all talk. Complain about the college students. I grew up in this town, I know how. A couple of the guys in the circle have a short rap battle. The women drift off until I’m left with a group of three men.

“What the fuck YOU doing in THAT place?” they ask, pointing to the bar I just left where they’re not welcome inside of.

“Proving I’ve still got it.” I answer, bluntly.

The gorgeous man to my left pulls on the joint and passes it. Puts his hand on my shoulder.

“You ain’t gotta do all that. You ain’t got nothing to prove. Look at you.” he says, gesturing to me. “Just look at you.” He shakes his head.

“How old are you?” I ask. 

He’s 24

“And you want an old white bitch like me?” I say, testing him.

“Oh stop with all that nonsense.” he says. “It would be an honor.” He bows.

I look at him. He’s a sweet boy, underneath the posturing. I can tell he’s a pleaser, but too young to know how. 

“Let’s go then.” I jerk my head the direction I’m parked in to indicate he should follow me and walk off. 

Revenge Porn

He doesn’t miss a beat. Trotting behind me to the parking garage. I’m parked all the way at the top in the last space, a ritual of mine left over from my teen years. He makes a point of opening doors and scouting for danger before he gestures for me to pass. I’m not sure that my hometown is that dangerous, but I’m sure it is more so for him than it is for me. 

He’s pouring out his life story. Telling me his challenges. What he’s good at, what he’s bad at. 

Freestyling is one of the things he is good at. He proves it on our ride town from the top of the parking garage. I slowly spiral through the levels while listening to him spit beautiful rhymes about the night, about me, about life. Time seems to slow down. His voice is hypnotic and deep.

Being sober is one of the things he is bad at. He tells me he’s struggling with alcoholism. I wish he hadn’t told me this. He’s too young and too gorgeous and too talented for that. It makes me sad but I stop and buy him a bottle of Sapphire gin anyway, as that’s what he wants and I know I’ll never see him again after tonight anyway.

Staying in my friend’s nicely insulated storage shed. Carpeted, with windows. Larger than you’d think after I used the word “shed”. Mattress on the floor. Space heater.

Back at my place we’re passing the bottle preparing for revenge porn. I grimace at the taste. I don’t like gin. Don’t like cheap booze.

Naked on the mattress on the floor. Before I know it he’s rolling on a condom and bam no foreplay he’s in. He hammers me. I almost immediately wear out.

“Hold up, hold up, I’m not ready for that.” I say.

In the next moments it becomes clear that he has no idea how a woman’s body works. I’m incredulous. I have never been with a man who was as clueless… my revenge porn peters out.

He’s sweet about it. 

“All I know is go in, go hard.” he explains.

“Please, teach me how you like it?” he implores, backing up. He knocks over the open bottle of gin and we scramble to right it. A puddle of it soaks into the carpet. The mood is ruined. 

I look at him, eager, hard, willing… but I can’t teach tonight. I don’t have the patience to show a man how to make me come and turn me on right now. Didn’t come here for that. I showed up for revenge porn, not a man who literally doesn’t know what a clitoris is.

“Let’s just make out some?” I ask. 

We do. Hot, wet, urgent suckling. Deep kisses. Fingers intertwined, his naked body against mine. I lose track of time under his hungry, intense, open-mouthed exploration of my neck. I feel the heat rise. Feel him growling into my mouth. 

My arms around his shoulders, kneading him like dough, pulling on handfuls. The wave of erotic tension recedes and then slaps us again. My breath comes in wild gasps as I entwine my legs in his, tracing my feet along the backs of his thighs. His hands grip my hair, pulling and pushing at the same time. 

Time stands frozen. Feral scratching at each other. Devouring and kissing. Receding again. Further, slower, more sensuous, the tide pulling back… And… he falls asleep.

I get to learn the age old lesson yet another time: don’t fuck with alcoholics

I wake him up and drive him home, and though we do sort of intend to see one another again, we don’t.

So much for revenge porn.


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