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The Zoe Diaries: Teenage Journal

What to write in a teenage journal? I wrote many things. I have some fifty volumes of journals from my teen years.

What to write in a teenage journal? Write about your friendscrushesboyfriends, and girlfriends. And movies.

What to write in a teenage journal? Here is part 2 what I wrote about a dear friend of mine, Jeremiah. (Here is part 1) He was a savant, quickly becoming one of the best math students in the country and gaining fame for it.

When Jeremiah was in his mid-thirties he had a psychotic break which transformed him as a person. He came back with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and paranoia. He’s escaped treatment and healing.

The joy and glee has been sapped from his life forever. Breaks my heart to read these entries from when he was mentally healthy.

What to write in a teenage journal? Write about the people you love. You never know when those journals may be the only record of them.

Thursday October 31st 1991

I stood alone. Feeling as if I was going to cry. Then Ducky came back over. I stood and he was talking with Jeremiah about our trick or treating and saying “It’s too silly for me anyway, but Zoe wants to do silly things right” and looked at me. (He ran his hand through my hair). I kind of looked down and said “sometimes”.

After Jeremiah left Ducky asked if I was okay, and I told him NO, I was depressed. He held my hand in his and looked me in the eyes. Then after some small talk (I tried) he asked if I’d liked to get a candy bar with him so I followed him. He reached for my hand. I held his hand. It was strange. I love him so, and he seemed to be happy with me. Then we walked back and talked with the other people. His bus came and he called out to me (he had to get his bag). I wonder if he thinks I don’t like him!

I probably would have gotten a kiss if I was anywhere near him.

Jeremiah, Melissa, Rudy, Mary and I walked up the hill. Jeremiah and I were way ahead and the others were huffing + puffing. I feel in shape. Jessica, Justin F. and Dave F. (Mr. S) joined us for the trick or treating. We had fun. Tomorrow Jeremiah and I are going to see “Little Man Tate”. I’m hoping we’ll run into David + Ducky who I think are seeing “House Party 2”. 

Friday November 1st Banana 1991

Happy All Saints Day! Jeremiah and I strategically insert the word Banana into sentences. 

     “How are banana you?”

 Said nonchalantly enough to just barely distract people. Also dreidel. Last night we said “Trick o banana r treat” because any other combination would make it sound like a true phrase.

T Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I’d assign it a name: gnat dirt upset on drab pot toilet. <- palindrome J.

I’m getting ready to go up to the mall to meet Jeremiah and possibly Mary for our movie. Maybe I’ll call Mary and ask for a ride. I don’t feel like walking to the mall. Well I did. 

That was a bit painful but not that bad. It was certainly good exercise. Halfway there I had no idea where I was. I prayed. Then I hit Cayuga Heights Road. Today I walked from school to Wolf’s house to Washington park, back to Wolf’s house, to the library, back to Wolf’s house, to the library again and then to the mall. Oy. I’m cold. Where is Jeremiah or Mary. I feel silly sitting here waiting. I played a few video games because I got to the mall at 6:15. Now I’m sitting outside of the cinemas, let’s see I started from the library at approx. 5:00. Not Bad. I’m getting really cold. My sweat is drying. It’s only 6:45 now, and my watch is a bit fast. 

He’s not Ducky, he should be here on time. C’mon little pal. Hurry up. My hips hurt. J. I’m in good shape. HA!!!! If he’s not on time I’m going to implode.

He should be here NOW!!!!

And maybe Mary. I want to go in so I can wash my congealed sweat off J. My deodorant kicked in, so I’m not that bad. But I AM cold. Jeremiah . . . cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold. Are all males the same. Late, late, late, late, late. Actually he’s really not. YET. I have to go pee. If he does not get here by five till, I’m going in ALONE (Hey, I like to complain). I can’t take this. It was quite an effort getting here. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Someone was talking about the passageway out of the mall (the one near the sears) saying:

“it takes you all the way out and then just dumps you behind the mall.”

Jeremiah ended up sleeping over. I snuck down and we gave each other massages and cuddled. It was platonic. [here is a large scribble with “censored” written in the side margin. I wanted to tell him that I love him, because I do, but he’s just not that kind of person. Well he is, it’s just that I think he knows that I love him. I did nothing wrong, so I feel not guilt. I kind of wish we’d had permission to be together, then we could have fallen asleep together. Maybe when I sleep at his house.  I love Jeremiah, as a friend. “The moon is much smaller than the earth, yet it is much farther away”

Saturday November 2nd, 1991

I went down early in the morning and lay in Jeremiah’s bed. He brought me breakfast in bed. I was touched. Then we read Freud to each other. 

Tuesday November 5th 1991

It’s my turn to read Freud to Jeremiah.

Friday November 8th, 1991

New Years Party List: 1. Me 2. Ducky. 3. Wolf. 4. Jessica. 5. Jeremiah. 6. Melissa. 7. Rudy. 8. Garrett. 9. Sarah. 10. Mary

Monday November 18th 1991

I feel kind of guilty. Rori introduced me to Jeremiah and I basically stole him from her. I mean, not really, but I wish they would be friends. 

My desert island list: 1. Ducky 2. David 3. Melissa 4. Garrett 5. Wolf 6. Jeremiah. There has to be 6. I have no idea who I’d cut out. 

Saturday Nov. 23rd, 1991

It’s somehow similar to the feeling that I had when Jeremiah + I were giving each other massages. This strange gut guilt. Oh, and how good it felt to be w/ Ducky after that.

Sunday December 8th 1991

Today was WONDERFUL!!!! I went to Jeremiah’s murder mystery party, I was Scoop, a reporter, Mary was Molly, a flapper, Jeremiah was Socks, a golfer, Melissa was Torchy, a singer, Delia was Skily, a societress (society dame) Jeff was Cilly, a baseball player, Travin was Eddie, a Gambler + Gabor was Harrow, a DA. Delia was the thief/murderess. Hal Coppone was the guy who was murdered. It was amazing + Fun! Afterwards Jeremiah, Jeff + I went to Bound for Glory (folk thingy).

Monday December 9th 1991

Today’s Jeremiah’s birthday.

Desert Island list 1. Ducky 2. Garrett 3. Jeremiah 4. Melissa 5. David

Friday Dec. 13th 1991

Mom says that the sexes can mix at the New Years Party if she chaperones and they all get notes. But what’s the point of mixing if Ducky + I aren’t together. Best friends don’t cuddle. . . . . . right? Jeremiah and I cuddle. . . but there’s something else there too. Melissa + I don’t cuddle.  Vivian + I cuddle, but there’s something else there too. WHAT THE HELL?

Tuesday Dec 17 1991

Jeremiah is wonderful. 

The quire concert was. . . great and horrible. Ducky flirted with Angela. He also flirted with me though. I was standing over in front of the door and making marks on the floor with my shoes. He remembered that I had done it last year. He remembered, that was sweet. I talked a lot to Jeremiah. I really love Jeremiah. Don’t think I’m attracted to him, but I do have the urge to show my affections. Maybe someday we’ll be together a little somehow. I’m depressed yet. . . I don’t know. 

Tuesday Dec. 26th 1991

Garrett? He’s the sweetest person (Ducky + Jeremiah as well. . ..). 

Friday December 27th 1991

I saw Jeremiah (who I like very much, just how much remains to be seen) and Jeff. 

Tuesday Dec 31st 1991

The party went pretty well except that Garrett had a nervous breakdown in which he confessed to Mary (who he has a crush on) that he molested his little sister. . .

Ducky loved my pants. I didn’t get to cuddle with him. Went off with Jeremiah and talked almost all night. I got one hour of sleep. I feel really sick, nauseous. Ducky stayed later than anyone else, but 3 hours of the time were spent talking to friends over the computer.

Wednesday January 1st 1992

Jeremiah is a great guy. Ducky said something which upset me. . . “I thought Jeremiah was your best friend”. NO YOU DOLT, YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND. Does he even care for me anymore?

Thursday January 9th 1992

I like Heather. She’s a sweetie-pie. (Jeremiah has a semi-crush on her, not really).

I left a note to not so large David. I could call him his BBS name, Winston. Jeremiah’s going to log in and ask me some advice hopefully.

Wednesday January 15th 1992

Jeremiah is great

Friday January 24th 1992

I’m going to see Ducky today. He’s going to hang with Nora though. I think he spends more time with Nora than he does with me. Jealous? No. But certainly happy that next year she’ll be at Bard. Oh well, I spose that’s a really crappy attitude to have. How would I feel if he felt that way about Melissa, Jeremiah, Garrett, Mary. . .

Monday Feb. 17th 1992

I should call Jeremiah. Tell him about the party. I should also tell Jeremiah about the scheme.

Tues. Feb. 18th 1992

Last night I dreams that I was at the center with Melissa. We were going to get doughnuts and she showed me that there was a new place which threw out the doughnuts. Then David was waiting for me and I had to run (really fast) back because I forgot my coat and shoes. Then ran back there and David and I were in the car and we got into a fight. We were really angry at each other and then I put my hand on his shoulder and he put his hand on mine. Then I was back at the Center and I saw Jeremiah who I was very happy to see, and I seemed only slightly jolly.

I just called Jeremiah. He’s coming to my party. I missed him. He’s going to call me back because he had to go to class. Makes sense. I LOVE Jeremiah!! He’s such a sweetheart. 

Friday February 21st 1992

I really hope that Jeremiah comes. 

Sat. February 22nd 1992

I was angry with Jeremiah for not coming.

To be continued…


Part One of the Story of Jeremiah

High School Reunion

High School Friends after High School


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